Nostalgia

I’ve been working on a few paintings of myself as a child and it has brought me to think a lot about childhood and who all I have been in the past. There is a sort of disconnect between my childhood self and I. When I look at her, I don’t see it as myself in the past, I see a different person that I want to take care of and understand. I want to know what she is thinking about all the time and my memories can only help me so much.

The paintings I have been working on are exploring this unknown world. I’m not the first person to be captivated by nostalgia and certainly won't be the last, but I can't help wondering if the past really was better in so many ways. I like to think that I could handle things better than I do now— or at least a good amount for a kid. I’ve been staring at the photos I am working off of trying to figure out who she is and how she interacted with the world. Have I really been the same person all this time or did something change along the way? Was it a slow change or all at once?

I think these paintings are helping me to understand her better. I might just be making up a narrative, I’ll have to check with my parents to see if I’m at all accurate, but I believe I was a stubborn and happy kid, possibly a little bratty when I wasn’t incredibly shy.